Doctor HIM!
by magical-mavy
Summary: Doctor who? Doctor HIM! The Doctor is bored of that title. It's time for the birth of The Nurse. Meanwhile, Rose has a divalectable migraine. Rory/Martha


Rose Tyler had a divalectable migraine.

"There's no such thing as a divalectable migraine," the Doctor said. "'Divalectable' isn't even a real word."

"You're an alien, so you can shut the fuck up," Rose said.

"The TARDIS has a translator and it says that 'divalectable' isn't a real word so _you_ can shut the fuck up," the Doctor said.

"It's a delectable migraine, and I'm a diva. Everything is worse when you're a diva," she replied, nodding in a deep, philosophical way.

"'Delectable' means tasty you stupid bitch," said the Doctor.

"_You_ mean tasty you stupid bitch," Rose retorted.

This didn't make sense.

"I need a doctor," Rose said.

"Doctor who?" said Amy Pond, who was also in the room for some reason.

"Doctor HIM!" said Rory Williams, pointing at the Doctor.

The Doctor sighed dramatically. "I'm so sick of this!" he said, throwing his sonic screwdriver on the floor. "I'm the last of the Time Lords. I can't be dealing with people who make up stupid words. I'm sick of helping out. You know what, I quit. Bye, fuckers."

He stormed out of the room like a buffalo also storming out of a room.

"I'm a nurse!" Rory announced proudly, since he now seemed to be the most qualified person in the room for the job. Amy clapped sarcastically, pulling the face that Natalie Portman is pulling in that famous photo that everyone uses for a sarcastic reaction image.

"I'm a doctor," Martha Jones announced more proudly, bursting into the room and placing her hands on her hips while rainbow strobe lights had a right old boogie behind her.

Rory cried.

"Shut the fuck up," Rose muttered.

"Rory can stay and be my assistant," Martha said.

"Your companion!" Rory said. "Get it, because you're the doctor, and the Doctor calls his assistants companions! Hahaha!"

"That was a fucking shit joke," said all of the women in unison.

Rory cried again.

Amy was sick of this shit, so she left.

"Well I never!" Martha said, and chuckled all the way to Tipperary.

"I wish I was a Time Lord," Rory mused.

"You practically are," Martha said. "I mean, I heard you're like 2,000 years old or some shit."

"Not really," Rory said. "That universe was destroyed so it didn't really happen."

"Aaahkay," Martha said. "What would you call yourself if you were a Time Lord?"

Rory paused so as to build suspense. "The Nurse," he announced dramatically.

"Very original!" Martha said, doing the not bad face.

"Shut the fuck up," said Rose.

Rose was not a happy bunny.

"Rose is not a happy bunny!" Rory told Martha.

Martha nodded wisely. "She has a divalectable headache," she explained.

Rory was impressed.

"Your doctoring skills sure are good!" he said.

"Thanks man," she said.

She found some paracetamol and gave it to Rose.

Rory was impressed with this treatment, and took off his trousers.

"No," said Martha.

"Oh," he said, and put them back on.

The paracetamol didn't work.

"The paracetamol didn't work," said Rose.

"Oh," said Martha.

She pulled out her laptop and found an article on headaches.

"It says you're going to die," she said.

"Shut the fuck up," said Rose.

Martha did not want to shut the fuck up.

"We might be able to cure it by removing the brain," Rory suggested.

"Good idea," said Martha.

She clicked her fingers and the Doctor appeared in nothing but a Hula skirt.

Rory was impressed.

"No," said Martha.

"Oh," he said, and stopped being impressed with the Doctor. The Doctor was not very impressive compared to Martha, he decided.

"We need a cyberman," Martha said.

"Okey dokey!" the Doctor replied. He ran off and came back with a cyberman.

"Thanks man," said Martha.

"Shut the fuck up," said Rose.

"You shut the fuck up," the Doctor said, backflipping out of the room.

Everyone gasped.

"You. Will. Be. Up. Graded," the cyberman said. With that, it began cutting into Rose's skull.

"Ooh, ooh that's tender, that is," she said.

"Stop!" Martha said, before Rose could be upgraded.

The cyberman stopped, because Martha Jones is very impressive. Martha punched it in the face just for fun. Then she peeled Rose's forehead skin back and reached inside, and grabbed hold of her brain like a big squidgy cauliflower. She yanked it out and placed it on Rory's head like a hat.

"How's that?" she asked Rose.

Rose did not reply, as she was dead.

"That's a shame," Rory said.

"Yeah," Martha replied.

Then they each took one of the cyberman's arms, and skipped off into the sunset.


End file.
